How To Fight Your People-Pleasing Inclinations
The strong desire to get along with or please others even if you don't truly want to comes from trauma. Here's how to manage and overcome it.
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(The Art of Getting a Treat, Teddy the Corgi, Bay Area, California)
Client: I don’t like this new leader in the organization. And yet, I always feel like I should try to get along with him, and do the work she asks for to make her happy with me. Why? Is this serving me well? How can I look at this differently?
This is a classic people-pleasing scenario I see often with my clients. They do work to appease or please another person, even at their own expense. It sounds like this:
I don’t want to take on this project because I’m too busy, but I’ll do it anyway.
I don’t like this type of work, but I’ll take one for the team.
[insert objectively bad situation]. No, I’m fine. I’m okay. No, I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t need anything.
Yeah, that is a good idea (self: that’s a horrible idea). Let’s go with your plan. (I really don’t think your plan will work). I can take on parts A, B, and C (why am I signing up for all this voluntarily?)
Often, the larger the differential in power and authority, the stronger the desire to people-please. Sometimes the reaction is so ingrained that the person doesn’t even really realize that there is repressed anger or frustration at the situation until it expresses itself in other ways. You might find yourself wondering:
Why does it bother me so much to do this presentation when I’m usually fine with presentations?
Why do I feel so awkward or annoyed with this person even though they haven’t done or said anything to me to warrant it?
Why did I push so strongly for X or get emotional so quickly on this topic? Why am I finding myself holding back anger or tears?
Fawning is a trauma response
It turns out that people-pleasing, or fawning, is a learned trauma response. Fight or Flight are the more commonly known responses to stress or danger. Men exhibit these responses more than women. However, fawning is another common response, particularly in women. It is much less discussed in literature and society to date (Thank you, male researchers and research participants). Rather than battling it out, women tend to settle conflicts and work to maintain the approval of others.
Where does this come from? Well, it’s a learned response from childhood and shaped and reinforced by family, cultural, and workplace expectations.
Let’s imagine a child who experiences hitting, yelling, or abuse growing up may develop a strong inclination to help resolve the situation. They become adept at reading other people’s moods and adjusting their behavior accordingly. If they don’t, they may get hit (bodily harm), get dinner taken away (face starvation), or go to prison (a common threat that sounds basically like life as you know it will end to a child). In her book, Stephanie Foo describes the phenomenon that even if a child is being abused at home, if the police show up, the child will likely shift to saying everything is fine to protect his or her parents. The fear of losing someone you love is stronger than most other emotions. As a result, the child learns that people-pleasing is the best path towards being loved, having value and self-worth, and avoiding danger.
On top of this learned response, certain cultures, more commonly in the Eastern Hemisphere, value selflessness and respect for elders as virtues. These cultures believe the collective matters more than the individual, and one needs to put the needs of others before themselves. It is improper to disagree or say no to an elder (or in many authoritarian regimes, anyone with more authority). The punishment for not “maintaining the peace” is at best being ostracized at the Sunday family dim sum and at worst, death or shame for the entire family for generations.
Related, gender biases further reinforce the idea that women should be more caring and nurturing, avoid conflict, and put the needs of others first. Starting from childhood, girls are expected to share better (e.g. put their wants and needs behind others), to smile often (e.g. not make a fuss), and to care for others (e.g. take on more chores). In the same vein, the punishments are also more harsh. Girls receive more frequent and harsher criticisms for stepping “outside the lines”. Moms are more likely to say “Ah, boys are boys” to refer to boys asserting their needs or wants. With girls, the answer is more typically “Oh, you don’t need that, be grateful for what you have!”
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